In London, potential cab drivers must pass one of the most difficult tests in the world in order to demonstrate their knowledge of some 25,000 streets. The examination is referred to ominously as The Knowledge, and takes about four years on average to study for and complete. In a city like London with endless one-ways, dead-ends, traffic circles, and tourist must-sees, this is important knowledge for cabbies. After all, Google Maps can’t do everything.
Not to say that Banff is anywhere as complicated as London is; however, small as it may be, it doesn’t come without its own complications. For a Calgarian like me, there’s a charm and simplicity to the animal street names, but the rest… the rest is complicated. In my short stint delivering flowers in Calgary, the biggest issue was finding the fastest way to get somewhere while avoiding traffic - here, the delivery may only be 2 minutes away, but it takes at least another 5 to figure out the right unit.
They’re not all bad. Closed single apartments are easy enough, once you’re buzzed in. It’s the ones where there’s four apartment buildings, each with their own weird numbers and letters, and none of the signs make any sense and if you make the wrong choice it’s a 5-point turn getting the van turned around at a dead-end.
I have nightmares about this place.
Then you have the condominiums with a maze of MC Escher-like staircases in the back, which I can speak on since my own place is like that. Our address is on a corner, so our front door faces a different direction than the street address, but our backdoor is in a maze of other units and stairs where some doors have numbers and some don’t. Usually when I order delivery, our instructions are something like this: our front door is on (street name) but the courtyard is off (street name) and when you go in we’re the second staircase, as high as you can go, door on the right, and our light will be on. Godspeed.
Another classic is the Banff viking longhouse; an optical illusion that looks like a bungalow from the front and when you go to the side suddenly it’s triple the length and there’s eight doors. Bonus points for when you finally get to the one you need and you’re greeted with three doorbells.
Is unit 2A the first doorbell or the second?
Anything south of the car bridge doesn’t really count. For the most part, things make sense up there. The only unique experience about delivering to Middle Springs is in the winter, when even studded tires can’t get you going up the hill at Sundance Court once you’ve come to a stop, so you have to reverse all the way back down while a bunch of kids stop their snowman building just to watch you… I mean what?
Wasn’t me.
The seasons each bring their own unique challenges, except for autumn. Autumn’s only fault is that construction can still happen in autumn, but it also happens in every other season too, so it’s sort of exempt. Spring is Pothole Hell, but also street cleaning and snow removal season, so finding a place to park the van to drop off deliveries or just overnight can be difficult. Summer is packed with day trippers and animal crossings, and now it also means that Banff ave is closed, and so any day with deliveries on either side of town turns into a river crossing puzzle. Winter is the most exciting but also the most scary; it’s basically Tokyo drift all the way up and down Spray Avenue.
No matter the delivery, it’s often some sort of adventure for any of the reasons listed above. Sometimes it’s a combo of all of them, especially on days like Valentines or Mother’s Day. Shoutout to anyone that gives detailed directions when we’re confirming an address; we are forever grateful and write them down every time because we know how important it is. In the end, the flowers always arrive intact!
Happy flower ordering!
-Juls